Stupid Yankees theories

Ok, let me start by saying I hate the Yankees. That's probably common knowledge by now, but someone who reads this blog for the first time may get me confused with a frustrated Yankee fan... which I'm not.

Anyway, I think I've figured out the deal with the Yankees this year. I was sitting in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium watching the 9th inning comeback, when it hit me... this team is actually pretty good, they are just all a bunch of jerks. Ok, maybe I knew that before today, but here are my theories to explain why they are jerks.

Theory 1: The Yankees players this year think they are so good, that they don't need to exert effort during the majority of the game. Once the end of the game nears, they finally decide they should try. Just look at the game today. They sucked it up all day against the Royals. THE ROYALS! Then all of a sudden they start hitting the ball in the 9th inning? How else is this explained? It was the Royals!

Theory 2: Before the game, all the players are doing their drug of choice (pot, coke, roids, etc...). Throughout the game they are all high and don't know where they are, running around the field like a bunch of drunken frat boys. By the 9th inning, their drugs have worn off enough to start playing baseball.

Theory 3: Steinbrenner has secretly run out of money, so he can only afford to pay his players for 2 innings of baseball per night. In order to keep the players mouths shut, he is helping them hide their steriod addictions.

Theory 4: They really are not that good... they just keep getting lucky as hell.

...yes, those are my theories... I'm thinking number 2 and 4 are the most feasible.

Have a nice day?

Ok, I can admit that I've listened to my fair share of Bon Jovi over the years. Especially since I live in Jersey now and I think it's a requirement for you to gain residency here. But has anyone heard the new Jovi song? (If you live in Jersey, that question is hilarious since they play it on the radio non-stop). Well, it's quite possibly the worst song ever.

"Blaze of Glory", "Wanted Dead or Alive", "Livin on a Prayer" all rocked in their own way, but the new song "Have a Nice Day" is just stupid. I can't help it, anytime it comes on the radio, my roommate and I laugh at it.

"Have a nice day"... thanks Jon, you have a nice day too.

Funniest movie of the year!

Stop what you are doing right now. I mean it, just get up walk out the door. Walk to the movie theater and buy a ticket for 40 Year Old Virgin. You won't regret it.

Ok, maybe I'm a little biased since I'm a big Steve Carrell fan (Daily Show, Bruce Almighty, Anchorman). I just think the guy is hilarious, but he isn't the only enjoyable actor in the movie. All 3 of his friends/coworkers were also incredibly funny. Go see this movie, it was better than Wedding Crashers!

...I loved Wedding Crashers too by the way.

The Clap for 5.95!

I just had to post this link because I thought it was hilarious. Now for only about 6 dollars, you can get gonorrhea! You can also get flesh eating bacteria, athlete's foot, or even the common cold. Ok, maybe it's not funny until you actually look at it.

Giant Microbes

I mean, come on. How funny would it be to say "Hey look, I just got Syphilis" then throw your new stuffed syphilis at someone. Sounds like hours of fun to me.

Old man Wells

God damnit Wells, how have you won 9 games this year? I just don't understand it. It makes no sense. The guy is like 100 years old! I feel like any day now his knees could explode (they are carrying a heavy load) or his arm could come flying off and hit someone in the stands.

You may be asking yourself, why am I complaining about a guy who's got a 9-5 record? Well, just take a look at yesterday's game. Well's gave up 5 runs in the first inning to the Tigers... THE TIGERS! Gonzalez, Remlinger and Bradford pitched the final 3 innings and didn't give up a run. How do 3 no-name relievers outpitch our ace... and when I say "ace" I actually mean "old guy who was paid way too much money to come in and take over for Pedro and an injured Schilling". Ok, at least the Tigers are not in last place, but that's only because this year's Royals may be the worst team ever assembled... seriously. Our number 1 pitcher cannot give up 5 runs in 1 inning to a team like Detroit.

The weird thing is, Boston almost won this game! How Wells keeps pulling off wins is a mystery to me.

We won the World Series last year. We completed the greatest comeback in sports history. We humilated the Yankees... ok, I feel much better now.

Top 5 scary moments (parts 3 through 5)

Ok, just to get this finished up, I'm going to condense the top 3 into one post.

3. Driving in CA
When I drive, it's fine... when my coworker drives, I seriously feel like I'm going to die. I counted about 5 near death experiences while he drove around California for about a week. We were swerving across lanes and cutting people off while he was talking on his cell phone and reading his Blackberry. He's from Rhode Island, which I think should be added to my list of states that produce the worst drivers.

2. Car accident
It's scary to lose control of your car when you are going 70 mph on the highway. I don't even know how it happened. I must have hit something and my tire blew out. Luckily there were no cars around me and the spinning of my car slowed me down enough that it didn't hurt when I slammed into the snowbank. Thank God I didn't flip the car over, now that would have been scary.

1. Fly Fishing
I wonder if it is a coincidence that 3 of my 5 scary moments include water in Maine. Anyway, during a fishing trip to North Western Maine, my buddy Dylan and I were searching for prime fishing spots. Somehow we ended up climbing down this very steep hill and ended up staring at whitewater that would kill you if you fell in it. We then realized that we could not get back the way we came. The only way to get out was to boulder from rock to rock (Bouldering is rock climbing sideways).

Normally this wouldn't be too scary. I used to rock climb in college so I knew what I was doing. However, I had never rock climbed in waders before (waders are ridiculously large boots). Also, we didn't know how sturdy the rocks were. And most importantly, if we slipped and fell, we would have died. By far, this was the scariest moment in my life.

Honestly, it was easy rock climbing, but knowing that one mistake meant death was enough for me to never do that again.


Now that I think about it, I think my #3 should really be switched with my #5. Oh well, nobody's perfect. Stay tuned for some awesome rafting pictures that I'll be posting on here soon.

Top 5 scary moments (part 2 of 5)

4. Frostbite scare in Northern Maine

My buddy Dylan and I used to take weekend fishing trips to north central Maine at some point during the summer (ok, we only did it twice). Anyway, this trip happened to be very early in the summer (or late, i never remember), needless to say the river waters were still super cold.

So of course I did not bring proper equipment. I spent hours in the water with a pair of summer waders on, which also had a hole in one leg. After a while, I could no longer feel my foot. I decided it was about time to get out, but I still had to walk a ways through the river to get back to camp.

By the time I got my waders off, my foot was completely white with no feeling. Slowly, my foot started to turn deep purple. This is when I really got scared. I thought my foot was turning black. We were in the middle of the woods and no where near a hospital.

After a consideral amount of pain, my foot eventually turned red then back to normal color. I really thought I was going to lose a foot there for a while. Scary stuff.

...and of course we continued the fishing trip afterwards... hopefully these stories will get better further down the list. I imagined them much more interesting than they really are.

Top 5 scary moments

I just had a crazy weekend of whitewater rafting in Maine, which prompted me to come up with this list. These are the 5 scariest moments of my adult life. To be considered, these events must have happened to me after my 18th birthday (i don't have a good enough memory to remember stuff before then). Since I don't like writing long posts, I'm splitting this into 5 different posts starting number 5, which just so happens to be the most recent.

5. Almost drowning in the Kennebec River

Ever been rafting on the Kennebec River in Maine? Well, in case you haven't, it's a class 4+ river, which can be pretty intense in places. At a certain point, it's safe to jump off the raft and float through a couple of class 2 rapids with just your lifejacket to keep you up.

Well, I did this. Little did I know I float at lightning speed. I somehow got caught in the current and went about 100 yards ahead of my raft. Let me tell you, a class 2 wave looks huge when you are about to get hit in the face with it. It's fun for a while, but after about 30 minutes of this I started having trouble breathing and my raft was getting further and further away from me. I don't think I've ever swallowed so much water in my life. I kept running into rocks and getting pulled under the water by strong currents... and yes, I was fearing for my life. Some of those rocks can do some real damage and I didn't know if my raft was ever going to catch up to me.

Anyway, I eventually swam out of the current and my raft caught up to me and pulled me in. Not a real climatic story, but I definitely had visions of broken bones and hospital visits. Not cool since the nearest hospital was probably 4 hours away. Luckily I walked away with just a few scrapes, bruises and sore swimming muscles.

...of course I went rafting again the next day... this time I stayed in the boat.

Baseball news

I'm happy to see that Manny is remaining on the Sox... at least until the end of the year. I don't care that the Sox are stuck with his monsterous contract, Manny is such a lovable character I hope he stays for the full 8 years. He's one of those players you just love to watch every time he gets up to the plate.

So in other hardball news... Rafael Palmeiro is the latest steriod user. I love how these guys claim that they didn't know they were using them. Are they really that dumb? Do they think we are that dumb? Come on now.

So I'm wondering, is Palmeiro guilty of perjury? I mean, he said under oath that he had never used steriods before? Shouldn't he be getting jail time for this? Maybe he'll claim he just started this year... I doubt he would pass a lie detector test on that one.

Ok, I shouldn't be judging these people, but steriod use is tainting my favorite sport. These guys should be paying extra attention to the substances they are using. Maybe Palmeiro didn't know what he was using... but he should have. No Hall of Fame for you!!!